My journey towards being straightedge

Last week was a heavy week for me, I was out pretty much every night with Wednesday, Thursday and Friday being very hard nights, I got silly drunk on Wed-Thurs and Friday I ended up doing class A's - I lost Saturday and Sunday in a hass of sleeping and movie watching, I felt really ruff and ill.

I told myself I wanted to go back to nature things, I chose to go to the new forest but I could not do it, I could not pull myself together enough and I was sick of feeling this way - I finally got myself out on Monday to Richmond park. 

While shooting Deer I made my decision - I was going to go straight edge! No drinking, No smoking and no drugs. 

Three of Swords - Painful separation, sorrow heartbreak, grief, rejection

Page of Cups - A messenger, creative beginnings, synchronicity

Four of Cups - Meditation, contemplation, apathy, re-evaluation

So this is pretty clear to me, The question is simple as well.

The past shows heartbreak grief and Painful separation towards doing all of this vices and to leave all of this behind will give me a new beginning, A chance for my creative  side to shine and with some simple Meditation and contemplation I can re-evaluate myself to become a much better person.

What guidance can you give me to have a positive weekend?

Ace of Swords - Raw power, victory, break-throughs, mental clarity

After asking the cards "what guidance can you give me to have a positive weekend" I got the Ace of Swords.

The Ace of Swords shows the beginning of a situation whose potential is as double-edged as the blade of the sword itself. The Ace implies the use of great power, even excessive power at times, to further one’s ends but what is not clear is how those powers will be used, or what it is that you are trying to achieve. No matter what the goal, there is always great power behind the attempts to reach it and, as such, very little can stand in the way of the energy of the Ace of Swords without being destroyed.

The power of the Ace of Swords can be drawn up by anyone whose heart, mind and will are strong. However, it is up to the bearer of the Sword to tap that potential and use it in a way that is beneficial for the greater good.

The Ace of Swords represents a period of great insight and mental clarity. It signifies a ‘break-through’ or an ‘aha’ moment where suddenly conscious understanding and mental reasoning reach their peak, and achievement of goals suddenly becomes a lot easier. You have a new understanding of some issue that has been of concern, or, in a broader sense, a new world view. This is a perfect time to clear away the fog that has kept you from seeing the inner truth, so that you can now cut to the heart of the matter. This is also a good time to act, and if you set your mind to accomplishing your goals, you can achieve anything you desire.

How can I feel better about myself today

Nine of Pentacles - Gratitude, luxury, self-sufficiency, culminatio

The Nine of Pentacles indicates that you have reached a point in your life where you are feeling self-confident, self-sufficient, independent and free. By acting on your own accord, you have attained well-deserved success and may now enjoy money, leisure time, pleasure, material comfort and rest. You appreciate what is now available to you, knowing that the difficulties are over. You also know that you can complete any work necessary through confidence, self-discipline and patience.

The Nine of Pentacles is about enjoying the good life and the fruits of your labour. You have worked hard to get here, so now, sit back and relax and enjoy some of life’s luxuries. You deserve it! Do not be afraid to splurge, indulge or pamper yourself, particularly if it is as a reward for all of your hard work. Treat yourself to a special occasion, to simply celebrate the journey you have been on to achieve your goals and to re-energise yourself for the next phase. You are close to reaching completion, so acknowledge this and then prepare for what will come after.

First big spread in a while.

Last night While chilling with Colin and Ian, I was asked to do a spread for everyone, it was a very interesting few spread but while Colin left for bed me and Ian decided to make a bigger spread each... this was mine...

Card 1: The present: Five of Wands - Reversed: Conflict avoidance, diversity, agreeing to disagree

Card 2: The challenge: Five of Swords - Conflict, tension, loss, defeat, win at all costs, betrayal

Card 3: The past: Six of Cups Reversed: Stuck in the past, naivety, unrealistic

Card 4: The future: High Priestess - Intuition, Higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind

Card 5: Above: King of Pentacles Reversed:Authoritative, domineering, controlling

Card 6: Below: Knight of Pentacles - Efficiency, routine, conservatism, methodical

Card 7: Advice: Ten of Pentacles - Wealth, inheritance, family, establishment, retirement

Card 8: External influences: Seven of Cups - Fantasy, illusion, wishful thinking, choices, imagination

Card 9: Hopes and/or fears: Temperance - Balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning

Card 10: Outcome: Ace of Cups - Blocked or repressed emotions

I dont think that I have ever done a spread with so many reversed cards in a 10 card spread and I think this is going to take alot of work get writen down, Me and Ian went through it last night but to type it all up.

Something to do later tonight

A new card?

A friend of mine has something on her wall that really ran a bell....

And this being a Tarot blog you should know what I'm thinking already

the 2 of Penit

Pulling for tomorrow (20160318)

Just got in from a night out with some of the spinning gang... I pulled a card for tomorrow and got the Five of Pentacles (Reversed)

The Five of Pentacles reversed indicates an end to difficult times, particularly if you have recently suffered a major financial loss or job loss. You may find new sources of income, a new job, or someone has offered to help you out while you get back on your feet. You may be starting to feel as if life is worth living again and starting to regain your self-confidence. Finally you can see a way out of your financial difficulties and your hope is being renewed.

The reversed Five of Pentacles can sometimes indicate the persistence of inner, spiritual poverty. It reflects a time when you feel isolated and alone, even if surrounded by many people. You may feel as though something is just completely out of place and you are struggling to place your finger on what it is. Return to the Four of Pentacles and you may come to realise that you have placed too much emphasis on your material wealth and have neglected your spiritual well-being.

Cards of the day

After yesterdays roller-coaster I wanted to have a little help for today, The first card i pulled I didnt really have a question and i think it picked up on my mood and how  I was feeling with the Reversed Hermit.

So I asked a question in how i could better this and pull the Death card that means change, so I pulled a card to tell me in what way do i need to change and got the World (Reversed).

Hermit (Reversed) - Isolation, loneliness, withdrawal

Death - Endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition

World (Reversed) - Lack of completion, lack of closure

It was hardly differcult to work out hats happening between these cards, Im feeling 

Isolation and i need change to pushthis way from myself and with that change it need to be a complete change... I need an ending and closure on issues. That is what is going to help me most

Card of the day

Knight of Cups - Romance, charm, ‘Knight in shining armour’, imagination

I asked the cards to show me what could make my day a little better... just a one card pull but it seems that love or an idea of it would brighten up this interesting day.

I started it tired and then i have a very good morning, filled with JOY! something ive not had in a while but then after seeing my ~Dad in his weaken state it was kinda drain from me... That being said i do feel better right now 

Card of the day

Nine of Swords Reversed:Hopelessness, severe depression, torment

Nine of Wands Reversed: On edge, defensive, hesitant, paranoia

Well this is not the best set of cards to get this morning... Hoping for some gildence and ended up feeling worse...

I know im in a hold but with the push to try and get out it looks like its going to be a hard road ahead of me

Well placing V into the friend zone help my mental state and recovery?

I started the day with a message from V, Sitting on my phone I cant really remember how it started but it was a nice little chat, She asked me a fav (nothing big) and we talked.

She told me that She is really thinking about moving there and applying for a 2 year visa - While I am really happy for her put of my heart sank as it really is sinking in that this really is 100% over with no chance of anything coming again between us. Hope springs eternal but this hope is almost completely dead now.

I had a talk with a work friend and she said that it could be a good idea to mentally place her into a friend zone... like of right now and it helped left my mood - like right there and then.

So I asked the cards - Well placing V into the friend zone help my mental state and recovery?

Two of Swords - Indecision, choices, truce, stalemate, blocked emotion

Two of Cups (Reversed) Break-up, imbalance in a relationship, lack of harmony

Knight of Pentacles - Efficiency, routine, conservatism, methodical

With this Spread I am reading it as this could be the best option, it adds a truce between my want and my feelings, its been a really hard road for me as I really did care for her and Its been like a drug as when we talk and see each other all the feels come back but when we have space it disapates and I make steps to better myself. This is a brake up and very imbalanced as I think I have alot more feelings towards her than she does towards me. And the solostion or outcome points towards this being a good thing. Having the Efficiency of just putting it down to friendship and nothing more will help my head and my heart grow stronger and not put myself through more pain

Well we reunite like the old days?

Two of Cups - Unified love, partnership, attraction, relationships

Wheel of Fortune - Good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning poin

Emperor - Authority, father-figure, structure, solid foundation

I'm meeting a friend this weekend and we had some might call an interesting relationships but of late we have hardly seen anything of each other. We used to hang a lot but when I got into a relationship with my last girlfriend we were kinda pushed aside - I don't know if they had beef but they never really gelled.

Now without her in my life and the fact I drive i think we might indeed see a lot more of each other

I think from reading these cards I see that it might just be like the old days and I cant wait to see if the cards are telling it true 

Will I find love again?

I find myself thinking of love right now, Will i ever find it again? 

Ten of Wands (Reversed) - Taking on too much, avoiding responsibility

Magician - Power, skill, concentration, action, resourcefulness

Hanged Man (Reversed)- Martyrdom, indecision, delay

Doesnt look good does it?

It looks like I will not find anyone till I sort myself out... It would be taking on way to much and i understand that but I think that when I am that I will have the skill and resourcefulness to pull through... sadly there will be a delay between being ready and having someone

Advice on today Wedding meeting

Today I have a meeting to go over the contract for an up coming wedding... 

I asked for advice to make the meeting go as smoothly as possible

Two of Pentacles - Reversed:Disorganisation, financial disarray

Page of Pentacles - Manifestation, financial opportunity, new job

Strength - Reversed:Weakness, self-doubt, lack of self-discipline

Now im reading this as I have some issues with work and feeling financial  ruff but with this new job comes a lot of opportunity as well as some financial  freedom but i should not be to pushy and hard... lets be fixable and see what happens or maybe I need to be more strong and push away the doubt and push myself for more discipline?

Helping a friend!

Today is a very sad day for a close friend of mine, we are doing a little something for her tonight and I wanted to ask the cards for advice about how I could help her and show support.

The cards I got were

10 of Wands (rev) - Taking on too much, avoiding responsibility

The Sun - Fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality

8 Of Pentacles (Rev) - Perfectionism, lacking ambition or focus

Just looking at the images on the cards alone I see that She needs to spend less time along in through or meditation, to return out and be the glowing shining star that she is on the inside and to slow down at work as she is nearly completed her goal.

The meanings of the cards differer a little from how i through but they are in many ways the right, the rev cards are try not to do and the upright is what to do.

I will give my advice and help where i can and give her the suport from a far when she needs to be alone

Will some extra money come in this month?

Just got a call from my bank telling me that my creditcard bill is coming out and will I be in trouble from this payment. I was expecting to have about £40 to come out of my account but it turned into £90.00 :(

Killling my bidgut for the month.

So like with alot of my issues i pulled some cards to the question

"Will some extra money come in this month?"

The Magician - Power, skill, concentration, action, resourcefulness

The Devil (Rev) - Detachment, breaking free, power reclaimed

Knave of Wands- Enthusiasm, exploration, discovery, free spirit

With the issue  I am taking it from the images that its about book keeping and trying to sort out all of the things, This takes skill and concentration and alot of action to not spend, The problem is about Detachment, in this case braking free from the bonds of being so fucking poor but also to habit or spending to much money and the outcome/solution is about exploring new thing, trying to find new ideas for extra money - Maybe in my photography or some other skill i should be using.

Will she meet someone in the next 6 months...

Yes again with the same girl but she is on my mind today for some reason... maybe I'm having a down day but I just find myself thinking about her

Strength (Rev) - Weakness, self-doubt, lack of self-discipline

Seven of Swords - Betrayal, deception, getting away with something, stealth

High Priestess (Rev) - Hidden agendas, need to listen to inner voice

It seems that there is weakness or doubt in her heart and with a deep scare from a Betrayal and trust issues in the way of this being fixed but there will be a need to trust in herself and some game playing but I wonder if that is more about her lack of tact then playing around with other people as well as myself

Will she want me back?

I got a message from V this morning, Needing my help to cancel a lost bank card. I have not talked with her for a few days (maybe a week) and I have been doing a lot of things and feel better in myself but I had to ask a Question - "When she returns to England... Will she want to get back with me."

This was not a hopeful question I just wanted to know if she would want it,

1 of cups (Rev) - Blocked or repressed emotions

7 Of Swords - Betrayal, deception, getting away with something, stealth

King of Pentacles - Security, control, power, discipline, abundance

The issues her is about Blocked feeling, like something telling her to not feel, To not follow her heart and to be alone, with the problem being about a betrayal and looking at our history I can understand that but i also think its deeper then just our relationship. I do think it has to do with the male figgers in her life from her Dads to her own fight for total independence.

The solustion is all about feeling securer and having control, Is this a card for her or for me to understand what is importent to her in a man, The King does tell me its a male and the fact its pentacles tells me its all about mateial thing (money, work etc)

Something I know that she worries about a lot... I do think that this is a big reason why we spilt in the first place but I am working towards sorting that part of my life out. If its me or someone else it looks like they are the things that will fix her over all issue -

60 seconds spread

During this mornings meeting, I decided to pull a card for each of the members while they did there 60sec pitch... The ones that run longer I pulled a 2nd card for. 

Top left - Lauren

6 Wands; Public recognition, victory, progress, self-confidence

Bottom life - Skins

The Sun; Fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality

Top Center - JT

5 Cup / Queen of Swords (Rev); Loss, regret, disappointment, despair, bereavement / Overly-emotional, bitchy, cold-hearted

Bottom Center - Emma

9 Pentacles / The World; Gratitude, luxury, self-sufficiency, culmination / Completion, integration, accomplishment, travel

Top right - Christian

The Lovers (Rev) / 1 Wands (Rev); Disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values / Delays, lack of motivation, weighed down

Bottom right - Belji

7 Wand (Rev); Giving up, overwhelmed, overly protective

Far right - George

Knight Of Pentacles; Efficiency, routine, conservatism, methodica

SBN spread

This morning spread at SBN

9 of swords (Rev) - Hopelessness, severe depression, torment
9 of wands - Courage, persistence, test of faith, resilience
The Hierophat - Religion, group identification, conformity, tradition, beliefs


I asked for clarification and got;

Justice - Justice, fairness, truth, cause and effect, law
Knave of Pentacles - Manifestation, financial opportunity, new job
4 of Wands (Rev) - Breakdown in communication, transition

The issues; This indicates that you are working yourself up and becoming incredibly stressed and anxious when, really, this does not have to be a complicated issue. You have a tendency to get very worked up about how bad a situation appears, losing sight of what it is really happening and what opportunities are available to you. With the cover card as Justice I think its telling me that i was just in feeling such a way at the time but this is only an issue

The problem: The Nine of Wands suggests that you are so close to completing a particular project or task but at the last minute, you are faced with yet another challenge or setback and this I think really is about the worry that all my hard work will but undone and in conjunction with the issue cards I think its the worry that is going to make it happen Page cards are about new beinging and i think its telling me that a new start is coming as with the 9 being close to finishing and the cover card showing something new to come

The solution: I think its funny with this card comes up as it stands for tradition a lot of the time, something that I dont think I follow very much, but with the 4 of Wands being revised I think its about braking with tradition and a transition into new beliefs and new way of conformity... conformity to myself

So a very interesting spread for myself this morning

Will I get any work done on the 2nd half of the Broxford Video tonight?

The Star - Hope, spirituality, renewal, inspiration,

The Chariot (Rev) - Lack of control and direction, aggression

The fool - Beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit

The isues is all about hope and inspiration and that is a good start but the problem is a lack of direction in how im going to do it (as well as the lack of footedge from the event) but the solution is pretty simple... Just get on with it, dont think to much and get it started

Numbers on the cards

I was just reading up about the meaning of the numbers when it comes to the Minor Arcana and found this chart

1. (Aces) New beginnings, opportunity, potential
2. Balance, partnership, duality
3. Creativity, groups, growth
4. Structure, stability, manifestation
5. Change, instability, conflict
6. Communication, cooperation, harmony
7. Reflection, assessment, knowledge
8. Mastery, action, accomplishment
9. Fruition, attainment, fulfilment
10. Completion, end of a cycle, renewal

I just pulled a card for an exsample and got the Eight of Pentacles meaning mastery, action, accomplishment for the 8 and in the subject of work/caries (Pentacles)

I want to try using these number more in my readings but need to get them down to heart first!

Card of the day (20160302)

Today I asked about bettering myself and for guidance 

I pulled a:
Three of Cups - Reversed: An affair, “three’s a crowd”, stifled creativity

For clarification I pulled 2 more cards;

Seven of Cups - Fantasy, illusion, wishful thinking, choices, imagination

Five of Pentacles - Isolation, insecurity, worry, financial loss, poverty

I am not sure what to make of this spread, While the main card talks of an affair and stifled creativity, both of which I am not feeling the fact that the image is of a Brest feeding mother and it being reversed makes me think that my ideas of becoming a family man. The 7 of cups makes me think that its all an fantasy and is never going to happen - The 5 of coins makes it even more worrying as warns of Isolation and poverty.

Are they telling me That my dream of working full time as a photographer is not going to happen?

 I think after looking at the fact that coins most of the time are referring to work or carrier and the cups are about feeling and emotion where both come into my photography. Maybe It is not the carrier  to suport my (hopeful) family and i might need to start something new?

The card I hate to pull (www.Biddytarot.com)

This is taken from a site that i found and it has helped me understand the cards a lot better...

Please show some love and check out Biddytarot.com

Nine of Swords Tarot Card Meanings


Nine of Swords Tarot Card Meanings Keywords;
Upright: Depression, nightmares, intense anxiety, despair

Reversed: Hopelessness, severe depression, torment
Nine of Swords Tarot Card Meanings and Description

The Nine of Swords shows a woman with her head in her hands, sitting up in her bed. She appears to have just woken up from a bad nightmare, and is obviously upset, fearful and anxious following her dream. Nine swords hang on the wall behind her and the base of the bed is decorated with a carving of a duel in which one person is being defeated by another. The quilt covering the woman is decorated with roses and the outlines of astrological symbols.


Upright Nine of Swords Tarot Card Meanings

The Nine of Swords is the card of fear and nightmares, and has an apparently negative ‘feel’ to it. However, the troubles alluded to in the Nine of Swords are primarily of a psychological nature and do not necessarily indicate suffering in your external reality. That is, it is what is inside your mind that is creating the fear and anxiety, not your actual circumstances. Your experience of the world is greatly influenced by our expectations, desires, and fears, and therefore you are largely the creator of your own world, and your attitudes determine how you experience that world.

The Nine of Swords can also reflect fear of the future, or what may possibly happen in the future. If you allow yourself to be bound by fear of the future, you are at risk of eventually creating a negative reality for yourself by virtue of your expectations. Your nightmare becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy, which is clearly not a desirable outcome.

Generally, this card is an indication that you are worrying excessively about a situation. You are literally being kept up at night because you are so anxious about a particular issue. It is possible you are working yourself up unnecessarily and, if you were to look at the situation more objectively, you may come to realise that it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. In fact, all that worry and despair is what is making it worse, so rather than fretting about it, do something to change it.

Although most people experience fear, frustration and uncertainty at some point in their lives, you should not allow those negative emotions to immobilise you or keep you from pursuing your goals with enthusiasm and hope. Expect at least some level of uncertainty in the future, and draw upon your inner strength to remain as flexible and adaptable to that uncertainty as possible.

The Nine of Swords can also indicate that you are being incredibly hard on yourself, putting yourself down or engaging in negative self-talk. For every mistake you make, you blame yourself and become worked up and angry at yourself for messing up again. So, when the Nine of Swords appears in a reading, ask yourself why you are being so hard on yourself, how are you putting yourself down or what is the source of your depression? What can you do to make yourself feel better? You may need to make a more conscious effort to quit the negative self-talk and replace it with positive reinforcement for a job well done.


Reversed Nine of Swords Tarot Card Meanings

The Nine of Swords is about worry, anxiety and not being able to sleep because your thoughts are running at one hundred miles an hour. Reversed, the Nine of Swords indicates that you are working yourself up and becoming incredibly stressed and anxious when, really, this does not have to be a complicated issue. You have a tendency to get very worked up about how bad a situation appears, losing sight of what it is really happening and what opportunities are available to you. What is needed here is for you to stop and objectively examine the reality of the situation. Bring yourself back to earth by uncovering your fears and anxieties and working to reduce the impact of those fears and anxieties on your life. Know that it is going to be ok, no matter what.

The Nine of Swords reversed also suggests that your worry and despair may actually be causing you harm. The more you worry about something, the more likely it is you will manifest your worst nightmares. Do not let this nightmare become your reality! Take a deep breath and realise that life is not as bad as it seems and that the more you worry, the more harm you are doing to yourself.

It is also possible that you have already worked through this period of worry and depression and are beginning to make a recovery. You may have recently come to the realisation that it is not as bad as you had made it out to be, and you are beginning to relax and calm yourself about what was once a terrifying situation.

You may also find that your dreams are very telling at this time. Use a dream journal to help you analyse what is happening at a subconscious level.

Swords to Cups

I find it interesting how times and feelings can change... For a while now I have been fighting. Trying to stand strong against so many things from money to emotions and for a long time swords have been a main stay in my own readings but of late a shift has happened. Both in my cards and in my feelings.

Swords have become less common and cups have taken up the void. Meaning that as my feelings change from fighting everything to sorting out my emotions and head space.

These cards (as some of you might know) have a very funny way of following your moods and wishes.


Power comes from belief and what we believe becomes powerful.

The wheel of life keeps rolling and the fools Journey continues

Card of the day (20160301)

Seven of Cups - (Reversed)Temptation, illusion, diversionary tactics


The Hermit ; Soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance

I pulled one card for today but it was not very clear so I pulled a 2nd to see some more details. In this case as the 7 cup told me of Temptation or illusion so I asked in what way and pulled the hermit.

This tells me that I am having an illusion about my introspection and being alone - This is a diversionary tactic to hold myself back and not get out in the world so I will try my best to get out more, see more people and see how that works out.

I had a very busy week last week and this was meant to be a more chilled out one (apart from the weekend where i am very busy)

My first heart reading

An interesting self reading about love and relationships

To get a better look I pull 3 more cards to show why they failed and the chage to make to help myself (and a 4th to get a final outcome)

This was one of the main reasons why I took up tarot - To have some help and guidance when it came to matters of the heart.

I pulled this cards as a past, present and future, Seeing Y as the past, V as the present and what i can do to better my love and luck in the future.

happiness and confort with the 9 cups and the 1 shows why it failed (as of overwhelm.)

the knight is about efficiency and routine but broke from the misaliment of values in the 10 of cups.

the queen revised is about aggression and shrinking violet and its cover by the world and thats about completion and accomplishment with Energy, passion, lust, action, adventure, The top cards are the meaning and the ones below are comformation cards... with the future I had to pull 2 cards

The card that changes my perception

This was a interesting day

Yesterday I asked the cards what i could do to take control of my life and better myself...

I pulled The moon (reversed), meaning the Release of fear, unhappiness, confusion. 

A very fitting card and i true card to tell me how to better myself, I posted this on FB and was shocked to get a reply from somone that I used to know many many moons ago.

The first message was "Stop playing with tarot cards" and from that it just got wrose where he (as well as another "friend") told me that i was stupied and silly for putting faith in a card. This esclated fast but while i was respectful to a point he would not let up... It did nothing to stop my faith but it did express how shallow and closed minded some of the people from my past can be.

The next day I pull 3 more cards;

Just pulled 3 cards about yesterday's argument, first a card to explain why they distrust tarot. The 2nd to see where they are in their lives and the last to see how they can improve their lives.

Very interesting spread... If you wish to interpret the cards yourself, they are the devil, the hermit and the two of chalices(cups) reversed. You can find info with a quick Google search

The Devil - Bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism

The Hermit - Soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance

2 Cups (Reversed) Break-up, imbalance in a relationship, lack of harmony

A very interesting show of the power of these cards and I felt that i did not need to add anything more but i did get this as a reply -

I just threw my spoons of "ah so lhute bo larks". The 2 on the right facing the same direction but landing the other way up means absolutely fuck all. The one on the left (note the different colour handle) also means absolutely nothing.

So I think that we have come to a decision - He can believe in what ever (or lack there of) and ill do my own thing